I feel as though I am a different person stuck in a moment, a body, a speech, a dressing of a time my mind has long left behind. It is difficult to keep advancing when my direct environment does not permit it. Recently, I have become fixated on the idea of the woman I aim on becoming. A woman of class and power no short of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, Indra Nooyi or even Grace Kelly.
Yet, in order to arrive at such a place, I know there is still so much I need to learn and experience. Sometimes, I think my loved ones mistake my informal and vulnerable moments where I reveal my emotional state to them as signs that I am not ready to develop. I have once been told to be more positive and I agree that yes, perhaps at times I get upset and it may come across as me being negative about my situation but honestly, I am merely letting off some steam. I don’t believe I could’ve ever made it as far as I have today without positivity. To me, there’s no such thing as a glass half empty or half full. To me, the glass will always be full Why? Because while half the glass may be filled with water, the other half would be filled with air, which we all know takes up space, too. Hence, full.
Perhaps what they meant to say was that I could do better than that. That I shouldn’t even need to let off steam as much as I do now because I should be able to rise above the situation, accept it and work towards the outcome I would like. Again, I agree with this and I make a conscious effort to carry out this process. But I feel my emotions, not act on them. I feel, I say what I feel, I rise above, I accept and I move on. Tell me if there is anything wrong with my sequence and why, and I will change.
Developing. A work in progress. That’s what I am now. Not yet the final product.
One day, Dian Azmoon will be more than just a name. You’ll see.
D.
